Hello internet, it’s been a while. I have nothing particularly insightful to say right now. This is a processing post for me. Its my blog, and hell, I can put whatever I want on here. I’m struggling with some very serious health issues and its taking all of my spoons and then some to keep going. I’ve got nothing left at the end of the day (which is often the middle of the day these days) to even think about insightful writing. I would tell you how it was being hospitalized, but I was so sick for most of it that I don’t remember, and the stuff I do remember, I don’t want to re-live. Like the radioactive egg salad sandwich they fed me for my first solid food. Egg salad is on my top 5 “can’t get near it” sensory hell foods. I would talk about having to handle specialist visits on my own, not knowing how to ask the right questions. About how I have been keeping a little notebook with every question I think of, so that I have my script right there in front of me to ask for when I lose my words. I could tell you about how that script went right out the window when the told me about some results we weren’t expecting. How I’ve had to wait nearly 4 weeks since I found out to see the other specialist, and have another 2 weeks to wait, while my body is rebelling against me in ways it has never done before. About how through all of this I’m running a lab class twice a week, because responsibilities don’t stop when you get sick. About how my executive functioning skills have become completely shot and I am nearly completely dysfunctional. About how I’m fighting every single calorie I need to take in, because I’m supposed to be gaining weight, but I’m fighting a losing battle. About how my sensory issues are going crazy, and there’s nothing I can do about it except try to put myself in situations where I can control my sensory input. How I’m scared to talk to my friends because they just don’t understand what is going on, and how the ones who I have said something to have shut down. But I don’t have the spoons to analyze this under the lens of autism or anything else. All I have to say is “significant impairment to daily living” is really taking on a new meaning to me. I’m sick, and I’m scared, and there’s nothing I can do but wait.
Posted by: E (The Third Glance) | October 19, 2013