Posted by: E (The Third Glance) | October 19, 2013

Sick

Hello internet, it’s been a while. I have nothing particularly insightful to say right now. This is a processing post for me. Its my blog, and hell, I can put whatever I want on here. I’m struggling with some very serious health issues and its taking all of my spoons and then some to keep going. I’ve got nothing left at the end of the day (which is often the middle of the day these days) to even think about insightful writing. I would tell you how it was being hospitalized, but I was so sick for most of it that I don’t remember, and the stuff I do remember, I don’t want to re-live. Like the radioactive egg salad sandwich they fed me for my first solid food. Egg salad is on my top 5 “can’t get near it” sensory hell foods. I would talk about having to handle specialist visits on my own, not knowing how to ask the right questions. About how I have been keeping a little notebook with every question I think of, so that I have my script right there in front of me to ask for when I lose my words. I could tell you about how that script went right out the window when the told me about some results we weren’t expecting. How I’ve had to wait nearly 4 weeks since I found out to see the other specialist, and have another 2 weeks to wait, while my body is rebelling against me in ways it has never done before. About how through all of this I’m running a lab class twice a week, because responsibilities don’t stop when you get sick. About how my executive functioning skills have become completely shot and I am nearly completely dysfunctional. About how I’m fighting every single calorie I need to take in, because I’m supposed to be gaining weight, but I’m fighting a losing battle. About how my sensory issues are going crazy, and there’s nothing I can do about it except try to put myself in situations where I can control my sensory input. How I’m scared to talk to my friends because they just don’t understand what is going on, and how the ones who I have said something to have shut down. But I don’t have the spoons to analyze this under the lens of autism or anything else. All I have to say is “significant impairment to daily living” is really taking on a new meaning to me. I’m sick, and I’m scared, and there’s nothing I can do but wait.

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Responses

  1. E. – I can’t “like” this post, but I can leave a comment of support, concern and love for you here instead. I am so, so sorry to hear about all of this. I am sending you love and feel tremendous concern for your well-being. Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do, whether it is to try and find someone near you who might be able to give you more hands on support with doctor’s appointments or help make phone calls, or whatever it may be. If not, just know I am thinking about you. You are in my heart.

  2. I can completely relate to that as I was trying to survive through two tough spells over the last four weeks at my work. In my work, I have to act as normal as possible for long stretches of time four days a week (up to 10 hours). That can be tough when I have kids who might test my patience.

    The thing I have learned about my own sick experiences is- As you understand yourself more, you then have some tricks up your sleeves on developing a B or C game that is passable for the days as you are trying to recover. Until then, use whatever support you have to get through each day when you feel you need it. Hope you feel better. :)

  3. E., I am so sorry to hear that you have been so sick and are stuggling so hard! Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you — thoughts and prayers for strength, serenity, and healing. Your gift for eloquent expression in writing is certainly still intact and functioning. I can’t claim to “know just how you feel,” since I don’t know the specifics — also, I am not on the autism spectrum, which I know complicates everything! I do know what it’s like to suddenly get sick and be unable to work or do much of anything, while feeling a lot of physical pain. It happened to me last November. I needed knee surgery– was limping around wth torn cartilage & arthritis. They couldn’t do the surgery, as I came down with cellulitis. When that cleared up, I developed lymphedema in both legs, which made them postpone my surgery again! I was out of work, using a walker to get around, and feeling depressed and miserable. I finally recovered, had my knee surgery, and am doing really well now. My faith, my son, wonderful friends, and a few good doctors got me through it. You will be OK too– just believe that!! You are a very strong woman, and very resourceful. You are a survivor, if ever there was one!! God bless you!!

  4. Sorry to hear that you are in such a bad state. I wish you all the best and hope you will recover soon.

  5. So so sorry to hear you’re going through such a rough time. (Also: the egg sandwich? Totally happened to me too. Was in the hospital with chronic appendicitis some years ago, on IV for 10 days, first solid food they gave me was a carrot/onion mash. I was starving but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. And I also felt too guilty to say anything. Fortunately I had a visitor who offered to eat it for me so they’d think I was a good girl).

    I hope you’ll find the support you need. Because it sounds like you really need some. *random virtual stranger internet hugs*

  6. Oh dear. I wish there was something I could do, besides offer you my sincere hopes for a speedy recovery.

  7. ” I have nothing particularly insightful to say right now.” Don’t you believe it. What you had to say about what is happening to and around you, gave me resource. Thank you.

  8. I’ve been thinking of you often over the past few weeks, E. I hope things start to turn around for you soon. In the mean time, lots of virtual support and good wishes are flowing your way from all of us.

  9. I’m sorry you’re going through all that. Being sick and trying to figure out what’s going on & how to fix it is draining, I know. I just wanted to tell you I’m sending love & good thoughts & prayers your way. Your writing has inspired me & I am truly grateful. I hope you are feeling better soon.

  10. I have never commented here before, but I have read your blog beginning to end. I have learned so much from you, and I am consistently impressed with your tenacity and insight. I am so sorry to hear you are sick, and I hope you feel well soon. I really wish I could give you some of my spoons.

  11. I hope you feel better soon and find food that is ok to eat. Sending good luck and wishes and internet support.

  12. Sorry to hear you are sick and hope you feel better soon.

  13. *More random virtual stranger internet hugs*

    Sounds like your experience has been really scary. I’m sending good thoughts your way.

  14. Not much to add, except this, which some people find helpful when they are ill…

    “Soft kitty, warm kitty,
    Little ball of fur;
    Happy kitty, sleepy kitty,
    Purr, purr, purr.”

    Also sending virtual spoons. Take care of yourself.

  15. I’m just seeing this and i’m so, so sorry for what you’re goign through. be good to yourself and please know that you are wrapped in good thoughts as your body does its work. xoxo


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